Reflecting...a hated buzz word.

While the word reflection elicits an eye-roll from most B.Ed candidates at Queen's (the word is bandied about so much) it is important. I'm not a big dweller and often would rather find the solution to a problem, than focus on the misery the problem presents. That being said, there are some definite patterns in behaviour that I've noticed over time. The one that is most relevant at the moment is my tendency to retreat when I feel overwhelmed. I become apathetic and intentionally isolate myself. My friend Sarah refers to this as my "disappearing act," and got pretty good at weathering it in our 4th year at Guelph. I've often wondered if I've adopted this behaviour to avoid poisoning anyone else with my awful mood or if it is simply how I prefer to wallow. I can only take so much before I get sick of myself and find the drive to take action. I've been thinking about it a lot recently because I have a need to write honestly about my experience, and yet want to refrain from being pessimistic or whiney.

This week has definitely been a prime example. For one, I owe my sister Olivia an email of epic proportions (Beowulf style). Second, I haven't been posting consistently, because everything I draft leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  I'm obviously at the tail end of my wallow and am clawing my way out. Most people who know me can probably attest to the fact that I am incommunicado for long stretches of time -the reasons are two-fold: a) I'm literally the worst person at keeping in touch, b) I have a hard time talking about being bummed out, unless I feel wronged or am incensed at some injustice. I'm a work-in-progress and I hope that a little self-reflection, every once in a while, will help keep that progress consistent. I was once told by an employer, that I greatly admired, that I am very self-aware, but that I have a blind-spot that consistently gets me in to trouble. Maybe if I hold up a few mirrors at the right angles, I'll successfully make that spot smaller.

Time to get out of my head now!